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Twelve Stages of Grief

by The Revenants

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1.
My dad told me stories Even now I find them hard to believe It's not like he was pulling my leg Or that he meant to deceive I think he wanted to set my mind spinning Look for a broader view I was just a little kid I couldn't even tie my shoe He said, Son don't you worry Some things you can't yet understand A time will come for everyone And there will be a dreamland My dad was once a solider Fought battles during World War II Said he killed a bunch of Nazis Not sure how much of that was true He seemed larger than life Like an oak that stretches up the moon He warned me to be on my way 'Cause it's over with much too soon I know it may seem tough at times And you might be tempted to fold But you must do what you must do Don't ever put your life on hold My dad was pretty funny Had clever way with a joke Didn't matter what he said I loved the way that he spoke Some of what he did was hurtful Some of what he did was kind Everything he ever did will always be In my heart and on my mind
2.
My kid was born here Back in two thousand and four It was a different neighborhood then With some middle class and some poor She had her own crummy little playground 'Cause we didn't have a yard It wasn't too attractive, no, no, no No picture postcard We did not know it then We were the last of the last All the brownstones got knocked down And the landscape changed so fast The last family in the Fenway Yeah that's who we were We got swept aside To make room for a developer We used to know all our neighbors There was the King of Records and crazy man Mike And over on Clemente Field My kid she learned how to ride her bike One by one they all disappeared And so did our watering hole It was replaced by a juice bar And the streets they lost their soul Suddenly everyone was from China Drinking Starbucks at eleven a.m. They had money and time to burn They did not see you but you saw them They drove the rents up out of sight And undermined our foundation They did it without a thought These strangers on permanent vacation
3.
Nuts 04:28
It’s getting pretty crowded in here And the noise, the noise is deafening And I feel like I could jump out of my skin And the smell is rank and moldy Makes it hard to breathe Just one more nut in this looney bin Am I nuts, I must be nuts Mad, I am mad Am I nuts, I must be nuts Crazy, man, crazy It's getting pretty scary in here And the bullets, the bullets are flying And I just gotta duck and run for cover Who is looking out for me There's nobody in my corner Unless you count the ghost I'm watching hover How did I get here Who do I have to thank Must’ve been someone with a cruel streak Who thinks this will help me This paradise of tiles That makes me feel hopeless and bleak It's getting pretty fucked-up in here No one knows nothing about nothing And you know that won't turn out well The best that you can hope for Is something like oblivion And that's as bad as living hell
4.
My Sister 04:11
My sister she messed with me in an unpleasant way The things she did, the things she said Well they hurt me to this day My sister she thinks well of herself Like she’s magnanimous But her high self-regard just raises my animus Don’t care what happens to her She shattered my heart My sister may think that we’re close but we are so very far apart My sister can jump off a cliff for all that I care Wherever I been in my life my sister’s been elsewhere My sister was mad at me No doubt she is still My sister just don’t get it No doubt she ever will My sister she got all she wanted While I got nil My sister she just don’t get it No doubt she ever will My sister she promised me money But she didn't followed through "Never said I do that," she said With a face sincere and true My sister is Lucy And I am Charlie Brown She sets up the football And I go and break my crown My sister tells a whole lotta stories and none are ever true They all say that she means well But then she goes and turns the screw I just had to give up on her if only for protection Whatever we had whatever we were I severed that connection
5.
I can recall the first time I saw you And I knew it then that you'd be big trouble I told myself that I could look past it But I guess that I could just not look past it You stand so straight and so tall You are my greatest hate of all I knew that you were pretty damn tricky You kept friends close and your enemies closer People said I should be ready for the worst And I guess that I should've kept that in mind And I will hate you Till the end of days And I will hate you And your hateful ways You make it seem like nothing is different None of it happened at least in your mind But I beg to differ and I'm not forgetting One day I'll tell you just how I feel
6.
The more I think about you, the more I think about you And it does me no good at all I wind up obsessing and it’s oh so distressing Forever caught in your thrall Whatever way I see it is whatever way I see it And I’m sticking to it like epoxy Doesn’t make my life better but I wear you like a sweater Yeah it all seems kinda paradoxy Can’t take it no more, just can’t stand it I am at the breaking point, at the breaking point About to be cut into two I am at the breaking point, at the breaking point What’s this old boy gonna do The more I try to live with it, the more I try to live with it And the less I feel good about it I find myself clinging to the siren of your singing And I fear I may have to live without it It brings me so much grief and zero relief What exactly am I really after The world of your eyes The bridge of your nose The beauty of the sound of your laughter I just can’t let it go no matter what I do It’s a kind of madness this deep dark sadness That I live with each and every day You’re never not on my mind to that I am resigned Living in this passion play If I could let you go I would let you go But for some reason I’m not keen to I’ve become unhinged Living on this fringe I do crazy things I do not mean to Nothing can stop it, nothing can fix it
7.
Used to be my neighborhood Was a friendly place Used to be I fit right in With every friendly face But all I knew Is gone without a trace Gentrifaction I feel so alone Gentrifaction Home bitter home Used to know the guy next door His name was Phil Whenever something was wrong with me He gave me a pill But now he's gone And I miss him still Yeah, I pine for the good old days When I fit right in When someone says there's a bright tomorrow I say where have you been Used to be I felt quite at ease When I hung out Now everything seems foreign to me There is no doubt Guess I gotta be moving along Find me another route
8.
Adieu 04:27
I held on with all my might No way would I cut you loose It was doing me no good at all Just holding on was a form of abuse Thought about the good and the bad All the pros and cons I was debating Thought that I could make it work somehow But in the end my love was suffocating No, no, no, don't wanna be letting go of you No, no, no, don't wanna be letting go adieu Tried to justify my primal actions All the hows and whys It all made perfect sense to me Even though it was extremely unwise One wants love and be loved in return One wants to care but not too much One wants to give and one wants to get One wants to hold on but not clutch Should've considered what I was doing Should've considered the long-term effects But for me that way of thinking Was much too complex You were my single most precious thing And my intentions were always pure I was only trying to find a way To make my love for you endure But I got hung up on my own needs And I did not see you were trying to grow All I knew was my selfish heart And I did not want to let you go
9.
No Words 03:18
There are no words That explains this away There are no words that'll give you solace There are no words That to make this right Like expecting your life to be flawless I had to do what I had to do Didn’t see I had no choice So let me make one thing perfectly clear While I still have a voice There are no words That'll make you feel better There are no words that will change a thing There are no words That will justify my actions That will ever take out the sting Sorry for the hurt I’ve caused It's got nothing to do with you You see I got this rotten old thing That colors my world blue There are no words That will make you not hate me There are no words that will bring me back This is gonna haunt you For the rest of your days The outlook is admittedly black I wish I had the will To turn it all around But you see I been laid so low So low I’m already underground
10.
How I Wish 04:09
Every day when I wake up I wake up to the thought of you And I don't know what in hell I can do I start to think about you Then I think and think about you And I write to you a billet-doux How I wish How I wish and wish How I wish my dream would come true How I wish How I wish and wish How I wish my dream were you Every day that I am living I know that I am really living Because I feel you deep inside my heart You're there in my mind's eye The best seat in the house We are never, no never far apart Every night when I am in my bed You right there by my head At least a ghost of you is sleeping well I reach to take your hand But it's like holding sand Like being cast by a wicked spell
11.
What if I'd been there for you Would you still be alive What if I had held your hand Would you have survived What if I'd listened close And heard what you had to say Would it have made a difference Would you be here today This is the weepin' song And I weep for you This is the weepin' song Thirty shades of blue This is the weepin' song The weepin' will not end This is the weepin' song I weep for you my friend What if I paid attention And saw how you were shattered What if I showed a little more love Would you've been so beaten and battered What if I'd looked at all of the signs And acted a little more quick When I think of what I might have done It just makes my heart feel sick So many nights I stay awake And I rack my brain So many nights I stay awake And my tears fall down like rain I think about what I might've done If only for relief I think about what I might've done But in the end I just feel grief
12.
Desire fingers me With a slow fuck on the courting chair Holding in and letting go The beeping of the backhoe It’s all a million miles away I know you’re out there I can hear you breathing And I can hear your sighs I hear your sighs And the calm cool face of the river Asked me for a kiss I’m awake now And the landscape unfolds like a ribbon There’s a ring of fire With the face of a Cheshire Makes you break into a laugh What other choice do I got But to flap like paper Against endless corridors There are choices to be made here Something I can say I know all too well Suddenly I have no face Like foam erasing my human race I must press my hand against the wall To draw myself back

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"These fragments I have shored against my ruins." –T.S. Eliot

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released October 2, 2023

Photo "Grief" by Eliot Wilder

Songs written and performed by Eliot Wilder

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The Revenants Boston, Massachusetts

"It was hell," recalls former child.

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