There is something awful about exhibiting the sort of sensitivity that I do in that I tend to allow myself to be dragged along, as if tied to some jalopy, mesmerized that it has the gumption to keep jaunting along without falling to bits, and I'm rolling in the dirt and feeling my limbs being scraped, because I always assume that the person whose psyche is the jalopy has it much worse emotionally than I do, and so I go along, tethered and bumped, instead of saying "I don't like the way this is going" or "that's not really what I had in mind" or "LET GO OF ME!" So what sometimes ends up happening is that eventually, when I start to feel uncomfortable pressure, I have to overcompensate for my original sensitivity/empathy (which yes, could be misconstrued as simple non-confrontation, but I'm telling you it's not simply that, and you'll just have to trust me on that because well, I'm not a liar) and put up a big fat wall that no leeches can get under. And I "screw my courage to the sticking point" instead of saying "screw my courage." It's like feeling you have to pee. You know you've got to get outta this place and you already held it too long. Like what makes so many men think they can latch onto a woman's cosmic boobie and never let go? And if you push them off you're a bitch and a princess (and it's such an obvious, unoriginal and predictable reaction, all the while he is more worthy of your tiara than you are). Like you wrote this recipe for this great zucchini bread and he sprinkled some powdered sugar on top and ate a piece, so that makes it just as much his recipe. And just because he was hungry it's his. Somehow. Or you painted a picture and he put it in a frame and all of a sudden he's signing his name to the bottom with a trumpet flourish. And you looked at him and thought, "He really needs this right now. I'll let him believe it's his. "It was a really nice frame. It added a lot to the picture. Or because you're existing under the label of "relationship" you're suddenly no longer individuals and anything that you might feel that might threaten the way he sees the "relationship" is bad and wrong and "if you love me you'll" cut off your arm to fit in this box. "If you love me you'll save me. "The teat is mine" (sing to the tune of "The Heat Is On.") If you do this you'll have experienced the true depths of my dorkiness because this is just the kind of thing I walk around my house singing). And they bring up all the times you said x, y and z and the dates and times of each and I say only manipulators and liars have to remember the exact date and time of everything that was said. Go do some work on yourself for God's sake. And blah blah blah blather blather blah. And then one day you wake up and realize your own misguided sensitivity is going to be lethal to everyone involved, because you feel sick to your stomach and need Pepto Bismo for your soul and you should have just trusted your own better formed gut right from the beginning, instead of trusting someone who "really probably does like you" but is looking for a quick fix for his own pained soul. And now you've come down with cosmic indigestion. But you've always felt guilty about trusting your own gut because it means hurting someone's feelings and saying "no" right from the start. Or when things started to get weird. Because you really trust in basic human logic and expect people to right themselves, like falling cats. But they've found you and have become akin to using you as a crutch or trampoline and you've not stopped them. And they think the art you've created together is "bigger than the both of you" but you've brought much more to the table from the beginning so of course it's going to feel to them that it's much bigger than them because it's not their soul and voice in the recipe, the songs, the painting. But your soul looks a little better to them than theirs and they'd rather just live there for a little while. And just EXPECT that it's going to be ok. And the moment you realize they're getting their hooks too far into your stuff and try to tell them "this feels like bad touch" they say you're "asserting your ego" because after all they liked what you did and they helped your art and so they OWN it just as much as you do. Bullshit. So there's no reason for them to flip themselves over in the air and land on their own feet. And the worst part is that you really liked them a lot and felt they were good people deep down, albeit a little troubled and it was quite a lot of pressure to hear they were almost constantly thinking about suicide and this "is the only good thing in [their] life" and you find that odd because maybe they're married or have a good job or write well and it feels wrong and like bad touch again. So you let them take too much and can't go back and rectify the situation because you can't be in any sort of relationship where you constantly have to monitor if you're setting your boundaries strongly enough and they've already decided you're a bitch/princess if you don't let them have their bottle. So it has to end because what kind of relationship is that where you always have to put your little toe in to make sure the temperature's alright before you decide if you want to get in?